Josh Petersen

In just 13 episodes, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City has proven, for better or worse, that Utah can produce crazy reality TV stars with the best of them. Whether this proves our state’s relevance or just embarrasses us is up for debate, but I’ll admit that I’m sad to disengage from this show. After spending almost a full year inside, my brain has fully rotted and I can only digest the reliable structures of reality TV, so I’m taking this loss hard. At least this season of The Real Housewives ends with a super-sized finale that gives each cast member a very on-brand (and temporary) goodbye.

Let’s talk about the technical craft that goes into this ridiculous television show. This season’s score has really leaned into the Casio Keyboard choir setting (I guess to imitate MoTab?) and it feels even more unhinged than usual this episode. The finale also opens with some inspired editing choices—as the Housewives settle back into Utah life, we see looping flashbacks to the Las Vegas drama with some sort of 2013 Instagram filter and heavy echoes. It’s giving me made-for-TV Christmas Story, and if Bohemian Rhapsody can get an Oscar for editing, awarding the evil geniuses at Bravo should definitely be on the table.

As these flashbacks not-so-subtly remind us, the fissions in the group are deeper than ever after Whitney’s ill-advised girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. The trip is a sore spot for pretty much everyone not named Mary Cosby, but Heather has bigger things to worry about—her grand opening! Beauty Lab and Laser has a new location, and Heather will be inviting everyone she knows to celebrate in just a few days. After lightly sexually harassing one of the construction workers, Heather realizes she has a lot to do before the store is ready. The clouds need to be pinker! The angel wings need to be ready for selfies! She needs to figure out what a stanchion is! (I’ll admit that I didn’t know this word either.) With all of this on her plate, Heather almost has no time to remember how upset she is with Jen. Almost.

In a surprising reversal, Lisa is feeling more ready to forgive. Just last episode, Heather was staying loyal even when Lisa wanted to cut ties with Jen, but now, Lisa is ready to hear Jen out over drinks. Their conversation is more of the same stuff we’ve heard for weeks now: Jen defends her defensiveness, Lisa suggests that Jen’s temper undermines her point and Jen says she felt alienated while growing up as a minority in Utah. Lisa, to her credit, doesn’t hold a grudge, but it’s clear none of the other women want to see Jen at Heather’s party.

Back at the old Beauty Lab, Meredith comes in to catch up with Heather. “I got permission to go on a small break,” Heather announces to nobody in particular before whispering, “I just say that so they think I’m one of them. I really don’t need permission.” Heather Gay’s Tips on Business Management is coming soon to a bookstore near you! Over champagne, the two talk about—who else—Jen. Meredith says she feels compassionate toward Jen: “It makes me sad to see someone who is suffering so much in their own space that they’re behaving this way.” (Most of Meredith’s dialogue this episode sounds like someone put a Brene Brown book in a Vitamix.) Heather wants a clear apology, and she tearfully says that if her own daughters had a friend like Jen, she would tell them to “kick her to the curb and move on.”

With the Barlow family, we have another scene that begs the question: “Is this family bonding time or a late capitalist horror show?” Lisa meets with Sydney, her marketing coordinator, but she’s not here to talk about Vida Tequila—she wants to discuss Fresh Wolf, her boys’ line of men’s grooming products. (Well, this is their line of products in the same way it was my volcano at the second grade science fair.) John comes in with an armful of soda and the two kids. Lisa says that she and John invested a “significant amount of money” in Fresh Wolf and she is beaming with pride at her “mini-moguls.” Throughout this business meeting/reality TV show branding opportunity/FHE turducken, Henry runs around hyperactively, because he’s 9, and Jack is nervous to give a business pitch, because he’s 15. Jack suggests that John should use products with turmeric because it stimulates hair growth, and John remembers the potential downsides to letting your teenage son go unscripted in front of prying reality TV cameras. The show has not always been flattering to Lisa’s family relationships, but this scene lets Lisa have the last word. She says she’s proud of her boys and knows that she’s a good mother.

It has been a long time since we’ve had a scene with Mary at her fullest, craziest potential, and luckily this episode more than makes up for it. Mary is back at the Faith Temple for choir practice, and things are off to an incredible start when the camera pans to a picture of Rosemary, Mary’s grandma, hanging out with Jesus. (The editors helpfully label this as “Rosemary Cosby & Jesus.”) The choir cheers when Mary walks in with a sweater that spells out “amen,” and Mary says church is a place “where love should always flow.” Immediately after, Mary asks a band member why he’s gaining weight and berates the choir for not sounding good enough. “Yes, ma’am,” they all respond in unison. Truly everything Mary says in this scene is incredible, and we all deserve a spinoff about Mary’s life as a pastor. The congregation, meanwhile, deserves a different church. Literally any other church will do!

In less interesting news, Coach Shah continues to prove himself as the best RHOSLC husband by taking Jen salsa dancing. Despite their sometimes rocky relationship, the couple seems to be in a good place, at least until Season 2 dredges up more conflict. 

Now, we get to the real meat of the episode: Beauty Lab + Laser’s grand opening. Heather has successfully created the girly, pink injection clinic of her dreams. She says the night is going well because “Mormons really know how to pull off a party,” to which I say … really? Maybe if a party is sitting on a basketball court and watching a Nativity scene. Billy comes with their daughters, and he is very cordial and very uncomfortable. Heather gets to have her full-circle moment and proves that she doesn’t need him to be successful.

After too many absences from group outings, Mary luckily doesn’t skip this party. She arrives in her trademark questionable couture, gamely tries flavored oxygen with Whitney and asks Heather if “AF” means after the fact. At this point, I am at least 75% confident that Mary is messing with us. I’m pretty sure I saw a wink after she pretends to not understand AF, and this leads me to believe Mary is doing high-caliber performance art at all times. 

We must now discuss the single best part of the episode: Meredith’s fashion choices. While prepping for the party, Meredith takes pants off on camera, to Brooks’ great disgust. She decided to take her pants off because for her party ensemble, she’s wearing a suit jacket as a dress with … a full, bedazzled face mask. And when I say full face mask, I do mean that her entire face is covered. Meredith has made some moderately bold fashion choices earlier this season, but I could not have predicted the incredible camp bestowed upon us. The other women are baffled but trying to be polite, and Meredith quickly earns comparisons to a recent burn victim and Marquis de Sade. In a remarkable feat of physical comedy, Meredith continues to wear the mask in her confessional while making straight-faced observations about the party. At this point of the episode, my soul has fully left my body and I am convening with both Rosemary Cosby and Jesus Christ. I love everything about this, from Meredith sipping a cocktail through her mask to the fact that she somehow predicted what we would be forced to wear for the next year of the pandemic. That’s next-level trendsetting.

Everyone’s good time is quickly soured when Jen shows up unexpectedly. Jen was technically invited, but everyone assumed that she would stay away considering most of the cast is not on speaking terms with her. Heather wonders if Jen is trying to be supportive or sabotage the night. Mary unleashes an epic eye roll. And Jen is determined to “Michelle Obama” her way through the night, staying calm throughout her apology tour. Whitney, who is still learning party etiquette, asks her about Las Vegas, and Jen explains herself. She tries to make things right with Meredith, who says she is “protecting her positive space” and is not ready to forgive. (Okay, Jen does call Meredith “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” in the confessional, but she keeps it together at the party.) Finally, Heather takes time away from her hostess duties to confront Jen. Heather has always been an especially supportive friend to Jen, so she felt the most hurt by Jen’s behavior on the trip. Or, as Heather puts it, “I’m the pathetic fool that worships you and does everything it takes to keep your friendship and you shit all over it.” Lisa, Meredith and Whitney are watching this unfold and nervously titter around, trying to avoid another Top Golf-level blowup. Jen apologizes several times, but when she tries to explain, it’s clear she doesn’t even know what she’s apologizing for. Heather mostly wants Jen to admit that she hasn’t been a good friend, which Jen tearfully does. The tension isn’t totally gone, but Heather and Jen aren’t at odds any more either. (They playfully fight over Jen’s lip gloss, which may be the highest form of intimacy.) With this massive fight out of the way, many of the season’s biggest conflicts are temporarily resolved, giving the Housewives some closure while still leaving more for the already-confirmed Season 2.

Random observations:

• Meredith and Seth’s flirting is truly upsetting to me. But, as this finale shows us, their marriage is alive and well. 
• I’m still not over Mary saying, “We don’t need practice. We have angels,” and then immediately telling her choir that they sound terrible. 
• The episode’s final scene is a “where are they now” montage. I haven’t watched other Real Housewives seasons, so I don’t know if this is typical, but I enjoyed this stupidity very much. The gay junior producer in charge of this had a lot of fun and you know what? I’m happy for him. My personal favorite: “When the topic of moving to Canton, Ohio is raised, Meredith disengages.”

Catch up with all of our Real Housewives recaps here.

The first season of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is almost over. I’ve learned so much in a short time, including the etiquette of what not to say at your friend’s husband’s Top Golf birthday party and why it’s rude to tell your friend that she smells “like hospital.” These invaluable life lessons will be on hiatus soon, but until then, we have this season’s penultimate episode. The show starts right where we left off last week with an increasingly hellish “girls’ weekend” in Las Vegas. It may be the most straightforward episode yet, but the plot goes in some appealingly weird directions in 40 minutes.

After the group split up for the afternoon, the Housewives are getting ready to enjoy their first night together. Jen—who has, in a total diva move, brought several members of the Shah Squad with her—is keeping her makeup team busy. Heather and Whitney meet up, and Heather is eager to dish about Whitney’s afternoon with Meredith and Lisa. Whitney is excited both by the sports car she drove and the fact that all three women reconciled after Top Golfgate. Heather then shares the bad news: when she and Jen went shopping together last episode, Jen said that she is still angry at Whitney about the party. Heather warns Whitney about Jen’s grudge, and both are confused because they thought this issue was resolved. 

Meredith and Lisa, who of course came together, arrive first at the private dining room for dinner. Enjoying a martini called “the porn star,” they both agree that the car racing afternoon went well. Lisa says she and Whitney have “a clean slate, 100%” and both expect the rest of the weekend to be drama-free. Then Jen, who has different plans, arrives in her newly bought Versace outfit. While Meredith and Lisa are happy to share Whitney’s apologies, Jen isn’t buying it. Even though she believes Whitney’s apology was sincere, she wants more accountability, and she especially wants to know if either Whitney or Meredith and Lisa are lying. (In the multi-episode saga of this fight, there has been surprisingly little information about who actually said what about Jen.) When Meredith and Lisa explain that they have forgiven Whitney and the bad blood is squashed, Jen gets defensive, starts yelling and accuses both of them of choosing Whitney and Mary’s side over hers. Meredith is not having this and she walks out, saying, in her signature drawl, “I’m not engaging in this. This is nonsense. No one tells me who to be friends with.” As we all learned a few weeks ago, if there’s anything Meredith is NOT going to do, it’s engage.

As Lisa tries to de-escalate, Whitney and Heather come in at the absolute wrong (or, for us, perfect) time. Jen is in the middle of staging her own dramatic exit, and when Heather asks what’s wrong, Jen pushes her and hits her hand away. The gesture is much less effective when Jen immediately comes back to get her purse, but this does give her the opportunity to hurl more expletives at Whitney. Heather tries to defend her cousin; Lisa, for whatever reason, wants Jen to stay and Whitney mostly seems shellshocked. An emotional Jen then leaves with her bodyguard, because for some reason Jen has a bodyguard. After trying to mediate, Lisa talks it over with Whitney and Heather. At risk of overexplaining the obvious, Lisa says that Jen isn’t over the birthday party blowup—or the problems it caused in her marriage. Whitney doesn’t know what else she can do to mend the situation after apologizing: “Am I supposed to send a flash mob or a singing telegram?” Whitney then recounts Jen’s own backbiting. Jen allegedly showed photos of Meredith’s secret boyfriend to Heather, and she also tried to stoke tensions between Whitney and Lisa. All three women are shaken and increasingly upset with Jen—Lisa says “I’m not okay with the master manipulation tactics.” 

Back in her room, Jen drunk calls Sharieff and tearfully complains that nobody is sticking up for her. Considering the couple’s earlier fights about Jen’s drinking and temper, this can’t end well for either of them. The other four women convene in Whitney’s suite. Meredith and Whitney hug like they just survived a bombing and then they discuss Jen’s increasingly aggressive behavior. During their shopping spree, Jen told Heather, “I would drown [Whitney] in the lake behind her house if she wasn’t your friend.” So there’s that. Whitney doubles down on her initial claim from several weeks ago: she tells Meredith that Jen “was trying to drop bombs in my lap to get me to say bad things about you and your marriage.” Fed up with the constant speculation, Meredith finally explains the situation. Apparently, she and Seth have been separated for longer than anyone knew, and she did see other people during their time apart. This is news to everyone, including Lisa. She is visibly hurt that her best friend never shared this part of her life with her, but Meredith is protective of her privacy to the end. (Well, as protective as you can be while a camera crew films your worst moments to share on national television.) All four women agree on one thing: Jen is out of line. “It always comes down to loyalty from the one person who’s least loyal,” Lisa observes, but Heather is still adamant on keeping the friendship, even when Jen is being toxic.

The tension has gone down slightly the next morning, but everyone still has the Jen blowup on their minds. Naturally, Lisa decides to video call Mary and explain the situation. Even though Mary isn’t on the trip, she’s staying busy in Utah! Before Lisa calls, she asks Charlinda to put a bin by her bed so she can step up into it (?) and is fascinated by the way her phone rings (??) As Lisa informs Mary about their disastrous night, Mary can barely contain her schadenfreude. She is not even a little surprised that Jen ruined the trip, especially after she warned every other Housewife about Jen from the beginning. “If you choose not to listen, whatever happens to you you deserve it,” Mary says in a confessional, though she restrains herself on the phone call. While feeling relieved that she opted out of the trip, Mary once again cautions Lisa: “How do you understand crazy?” she asks. 

Back in Las Vegas, Whitney has a new surprise for the rest of the cast. Whitney’s track record with surprises is mixed at best, but Lisa and Meredith are committed to their newly strengthened friendship and follow Whitney’s lead as event planner. Heather is late because, another surprise, she’s talking to Jen. The others thought Jen had left early, but at least one member of her large traveling entourage convinced her to stay. Though Heather still wants to maintain her friendship with Jen, she is not happy after last night, and she even calls Jen “a crazed monster” in a confessional. Jen is much calmer, but she still feels hurt and wants to know the truth behind the gossip and backbiting. She isn’t taking responsibility for the night before, including pushing Heather, and Heather offers some tough love. “There’s no reason to defend it or debate it with me,” she says: Jen’s temper gets in the way of explaining her emotions or learning the truth of swirling allegations.

Without Heather or Jen, Whitney, Lisa and Meredith arrive at a mysterious mansion in the suburbs. They are greeted by a housekeeper and Kimberly Friedmutter, a hypnotist. Whitney is a fan of her book Subconscious Power, which, considering Whitney’s ties to an MLM, checks out. (Scams and wishful thinking die hard.) Side note: if anybody EVER interrupts my vacation and surprises me with a trip to a hypnotherapist, no bitch will leave with their chakras aligned. Lisa and Meredith are kinder than me, and they are gracious despite the fear in their eyes. Whitney wants the women to find their “inner voice,” and I want to find Kimberly’s interior designer, who really leans into an aesthetic best described as Intro to World Religions meets fever dream greenhouse. (Who am I kidding? These decorations are all Kimberly.) Kimberly leads the women in meditation and then says “trance state is the bomb,” which leaves my psyche as far from a trance state as humanly possible. The three have barely had a chance to close their eyes when the doorbell rings. In walks Heather with—surprise!—Jen. Even Meredith’s third eye is shooting daggers. “The energy just completely shifted in here,” Meredith says. “I think Kimberly needs a much bigger crystal.” With all of the women present, Kimberly leads a group meditation exercise where the women imagine holding different kinds of balls. (In her confessional, Whitney does not miss the single entendre.) Jen cannot even pretend to take this seriously, which I honestly respect. 

When the group moves to the therapy couch, Kimberly observes “a lot of damage” either individually or in the group. (You don’t need to be a bestselling celebrity hypnotist to notice this.) Kimberly encourages the group to share their feelings. No one is backing down from their opinions, and soon everyone is talking in circles. Jen rambles about loyalty for the umpteenth time, and Meredith finally confronts Jen about the “negative innuendos about my marriage.” Jen may have the biggest temper tantrums and Mary’s passive-aggression is inspired in its insanity, but Meredith’s quiet rage might be the scariest of all. Jen doesn’t exactly admit to the accusation, but we’ve already seen her gossip about Meredith on camera anyway and she apologizes.

Kimberly pivots to a new game: “trust or not trust.” Taking cues from the meanest girl at a middle school slumber party, she asks each Housewife to raise their hands if they don’t trust another member of the group. She may be a dubious psychologist, but I am totally on board with Kimberly as a reality show plot engine. Every other woman raises their hand when Jen is mentioned. Mostly in retaliation, Jen says she doesn’t trust Heather. Heather, who truly has been a reliable friend to Jen, is angry. (Cue the montage of Heather following and comforting Jen after every party meltdown.) Even Heather has her limits—she calls Jen “a really shitty friend.” Though she has been unanimously called out, Jen still defends her reactions as “completely justified.” The episode ends in this tense stalemate. Next week is the finale, and the cast will finally leave Las Vegas and hopefully wrap up some of this season’s increasingly tangled plot lines. If it’s even close to as weird as this episode, I’ll be satisfied.

Read more on RHOSLC here.

Random observations:

• Remember last episode when Meredith said, “I don’t have it in me for any more drama?” LOL. 
• Where do all of the members of the Shah Squad stay? Are they contractually required to join her on every single weekend trip? I need the tell-all memoir from Stu Chainz immediately. 
• Speaking of Shah Squad, there has been almost no footage of Jen’s work life besides planning big parties for friends and family. Lisa and Heather’s businesses are big parts of the story, and we’ve seen glimpses into Meredith and Mary’s jobs. When does Jen’s team have time for actual marketing? 
• This interview about Brooks Marks’ favorite products includes….water and Purell hand sanitizer? Sure. 
• I am still recovering from Kimberly cooing, “Just let those balls be” in the meditation exercise.
• I would watch an entire miniseries of Kimberly coaching Jen on apologies. This first attempt was painful to watch.

Raise a tequila shot (or Diet Coke can) in honor of a new episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. After a whole season’s worth of gossip exploded all at once during Sharrieff’s party last week, the Housewives have a lot of relationships to mend and hangovers to cure. Let’s get into it.

Just to ensure everyone understands that Meredith and Seth are DOING GREAT ACTUALLY, the episode begins with Seth doting on his wife with a mug of coffee and a single, sad-ass rose. “I want you to look at that when I leave to remind you that we’ve fully blossomed,” Seth says. This is gross! Straight people are gross! Brooks Marks is not pleased and neither am I! Also of note: Meredith is still in bed with a sleep mask on at 10 a.m. Somewhere in Draper, Lisa, who has been up since 5 a.m. texting every overpriced restaurant in Park City while aggressively hanging her rise-and-grind wall decor, is absolutely sick with rage.

In her cold, lonely chalet, nobody is giving Jen roses while making clumsy metaphors. A visibly upset Jen regrets that Sharrieff’s party went so dramatically off the rails. Sharrieff clearly feels the same way, because he isn’t speaking to Jen. Yikes.

Over at Beauty Lab, Whitney and Heather are also second-guessing their behavior at the Top Golf Massacre. Toggling between mortified, pissed off and confused, both women agree that Whitney did nothing wrong. (Hmm.) Whitney is still bothered that Heather jumped in and bluntly told Jen about Meredith and Lisa. In Heather’s defense, Whitney was talking in drunken circles, and without her cousin’s intervention, Whitney would still be at Top Golf as we speak, restarting her explanation for the 500th time with “call me Ishmael.” Both women know that their quest to restore honesty and defeat the mean girls or whatever was not successful, but they disagree on the actual problem. Heather thinks there was no way to avoid a “blowup,” and she’s mostly miffed that Jen still appears loyal to Meredith and Lisa. She wonders why Jen is “so thirsty for their love,” and suspects that Jen is trying to protect her spot on the social ladder. (By now, both Whitney and Heather seem to have forgotten Jen’s not-so-subtle hints about Meredith’s marriage trouble, which I still think is way nastier. Anyway.) Whitney wants Heather to share all of these explanations with Jen, but Heather, like every other cast member apparently, is scared.

While at this point you, the viewer, may be tired of rehashing the same messy fight, the Housewives still have a lot to unpack! Meredith discusses it with Seth. Jen discusses it with one of her many numbered assistants. Mary discusses it, while stuck in a pink belt, with Whitney, who has not learned her lesson. Mary unconvincingly acts surprised to learn that Jen reacted badly, and even she knows that it was a bad idea to bring the mess up at Sharrieff’s birthday party. Whitney and Heather: when even Ms. Mary Cosby has more social awareness than you, it is time to reevaluate some choices. Mary doubles down on her initial accusations; the receipts are still nowhere to be found; we are at a standstill. 

Also surveying the wreckage are Meredith and Lisa, who meet for dinner at Toscana with their husbands. Meredith and Lisa show up in near identical jackets, which do look good, but certainly won’t help the fans who already can’t tell them apart. Lisa continues to alarm me by joking that with her home’s new security system, she can replay footage to see who said what during arguments with her husband. “I don’t know if that’s a very healthy idea,” Meredith replies, and therapists everywhere are nodding with relief. 

Then, Meredith and Seth have an announcement to make. “Are you pregnant?” Lisa guesses. “That would have been the immaculate conception,” Seth replies. Despite this odd joke, what Meredith and Seth actually want to announce is that they are officially back together and planning on living in the same home again. “I love it!” Lisa repeatedly coos. Lisa has been emotionally supporting Meredith through the separation, and seeing such close friends go through marriage trouble apparently stoked Lisa’s own insecurities. This specific issue may be resolved, but previous episodes show that Lisa and John still have conflicts that may or may not (read: definitely will) come up later in the series.

The conversation then turns, of course, to last episode’s fight. The two women are trying their best to appear above it all, and at this point both Lisa and Meredith are aggravated at everyone: at Mary for starting this drama in the first place, at Heather and Whitney for bringing it to the party and at Jen for spreading rumors about Meredith’s marriage. For now, they are uninterested in their friendships with any of the other Housewives, at least until the Bravo producers force some bonding time. To prove their unofficial secession, only Meredith is invited to Lisa’s Strong BusinesswomenTM  networking dinner at The Lodge at Blue Sky. This “very special VIP guest list” may as well be the anti-Housewives—Lisa pointedly notes that these women “don’t throw glasses or punches”—and, appropriately, this scene is very boring. The food looks delicious, though!

Speaking of uninteresting subplots, Heather visits the new Beauty Lab and explains that after divorcing Billy, she feels free to focus on her career without pushback. Sensing a slight shift in the air, Lisa nods tearfully like that one Oprah gif as another girlboss gains her wings. 

It’s time to get to the real meat of the episode: the dramatic reunion of Heather, Whitney and Jen. To make the conversation easier, Heather and Whitney decide to drive to the middle of nowhere for a spa day. (It appears to be Mystic Hot Springs in Monroe.) Between the Grateful Dead van, random shacks and a kitschy gift shop, this is the kind of rural Utah post-hippie representation I like to see on screen. It’s not all Mormons and Sundance, people! The Housewives’ reactions are delightful. Walking into the shop, Heather greets the animal by the front door with, “Hi doggie in a homemade … quilted … outfit,” failing to hide her confusion. (Aubrey, the spa employee, also carries her small dog Penny Pants with her in a sling at all times, because of course she does. “Oh my goodness, another little animal!” says Heather, trying her best.) Jen is less amused, especially because she was hoping for 24K gold face masks. “I feel like you guys are going to kill me at Ted Bundy’s cabin,” she says, which is honestly pretty rude to Aubrey! Aubrey just wants to sell you a topaz trinket at the Hot Rock Cafe and play with her dogs; she doesn’t need your bullshit. Later, while walking up to the actual hot springs, Heather asks, “Is this a real tumbleweed?” (Yes. Yes it is.) You won’t see this shit on the Real Housewives of New York City! 

Now, Heather and Whitney can finally begin damage control—after coaxing Jen into the mineral bath. (“Shah, get your ass in the tub and your fur on the shrub,” Heather says. Come on Mother Goose!) As Whitney begins to broach the subject, Heather tries to take the blame, but Jen won’t have it. Jen is still upset that her plan to do something nice for Sharrieff actually made their marriage worse. Whitney defends herself, saying she wanted to prove her loyalty, and claims, “it’s not my fault that it went wrong.” Let us now pause to question exactly what Whitney’s motivations are, because I still am unsure. Is she sticking up for Mary? Jen? Meredith? She wants to please everyone, but as the divisions in the group deepen, that seems increasingly unlikely. We will have to see exactly what friends are important to her as the series continues. Or maybe she’s just a shit-stirrer. Who knows.

Jen still places all of the blame on Whitney, but Whitney points out, not unfairly, that Jen was the one who escalated the situation to an 11. Jen responds, unsurprisingly, by escalating the situation to an 11. She refuses to back down, tells Whitney, “If you roll your motherfucking eyes and look over there one more time, I will drown you, bitch,” and then splashes the camera in anger. After Jen storms off, Heather tries to mediate, telling Whitney to ease up and convincing Jen to get back in the tub. Whitney does concede that she was in the “wrong place at the wrong time,” and Jen cools down. Heather then brings up her old feud with Lisa—which has been forgotten by the show for a long time—and is worried that she will be replaced anytime she speaks her mind. The three women form an uneasy truce, but Jen is still worried about her relationship with Sharrieff. 

In the episode’s final scene, Sharrieff finally does come home. He waited to discuss the party until his anger had subsided, and now he is mostly concerned about Jen’s out-of-control emotions while drinking. Jen tearfully admits that she drinks to numb the pain from her dad’s death, which Sharrieff wasn’t present for. Sharrieff says that he has his own history with alcohol abuse, and now that the couple is communicating again, both seem to have hope in working through their issues. 

So we leave the Housewives with tenuous alliances and new rifts. Next week, the women are going on a girls’ trip to Las Vegas, which will definitely be a relaxing, drama-free weekend of fun for all involved. 

Random observations: 

• I refuse to discuss the scene where Meredith and Seth talk about having sex in ski goggles. As a wise woman once said while leaving a hip-hop themed Top Golf party, “I am not engaging anymore.”
• Were Lisa and John drinking tequila on their double date? No judgment, though I’m admittedly curious about exactly what the boundaries of “Mormon 2.0” are.
• I’m surprised that Sharrieff’s coaching job is this intense. A special teams coordinator can’t take time off to attend a funeral?
• Line of the night: After the producers ask Jen why she splashed the camera, she yells, “That’s what happens when you fucking film me in the fucking bathtub.” True!

Get more of the Real Housewives here.

How powerful is the chaotic energy of megachurch heiress Mary Cosby? At a party she isn’t even invited to, her gossip still manages to unleash a dizzying series of events that leaves Jen practically rabid with rage, Heather cowering in the corner, and the usually unflappable Meredith storming out of a Top Golf. That’s called power, or at least a reality show producer’s dream come true.

Before we get to the glorious disaster that is this episode’s finale, we need some (still pretty entertaining) background. Love is in the air as the Housewives prepare for Valentine’s Day. Meredith is feeling particularly lovestruck after her newly rejuvenated relationship with Seth. She says that they have learned to communicate and understand each other without personal attacks. (“The fact that you need to go to therapy to learn that!” Brooks retorts, confirming that he may be bitchier than any of the main cast members.) Later, Meredith is sporting her wedding ring, the couple flirts at a family dinner, which Brooks finds “genuinely revolting,” and there is fragile peace at the Marks household.

Heather, meanwhile, has a much less head-over-heels Valentine’s celebration with her ex-husband Billy. This is the first appearance from Billy, and the family’s Valentine’s party is awkward but fairly cordial. Luckily, Heather saves the tea for her confessionals. When she and Billy were still married, he walked out of Scary Movie 3 when a glory hole appeared on the screen. Then, he withheld sex from Heather because she wasn’t properly offended. Heather also reveals that the fight that broke their marriage was over baptism scheduling. Yikes! Heather’s entire story arc is a cautionary tale against marrying after only three months of dating.

In less exciting news, Lisa takes her family to Loveland Living Planet Aquarium. There’s not much to this scene, which is a corrective to the “workaholic” narrative the series has been building around her for a while, but the penguins are cute!

The real meat of the episode is Sharrieff’s surprise birthday party, which is crazy from its inception to its fiery downhall. Kicking things off, Jen, anticipating our work-from-home future, conducts a planning meeting with one of many assistants from her bed. (To be clear, Jen is not on her laptop. She is lying down, underneath the covers, while her assistant sits next to the bed. This woman knows how to live.) The guest list is long, but one noteworthy person is not on the list: Mary. Jen says she’s cool enough with her rival to fix her wig if it’s falling off, but not enough to invite her to the party. Jen’s taxonomy of intimacy has depths that sociologists will need decades to explore.

Mary, unsurprisingly, takes this slight extremely personally. In a tearful video call with Robert Sr., she asks “what did I do?” (Let us all remember, that among other things, she told Jen that she “smells like hospital.”) Mary is especially hurt because she believes the other women agree with her, but are too afraid to stand up to Jen. When Whitney, donning hygienically-bootied stilettos, stops by Mary’s house for a visit, Mary confronts her directly. Mary claims that Meredith and Lisa specifically say that Jen scares them, which is why they don’t call her out. Whitney feels that, because she’s been caught in the middle of the feud, she hasn’t been a good friend to Mary. It’s clear that she is no longer comfortable as a bystander. 

On the night of the party, everyone gets ready according to the night’s theme: ‘90s hip hop golf. Sharrieff is oblivious to Jen’s plans, but he doesn’t like surprises and seems to prefer the idea of going to Popeye’s than Top Golf. Luckily, Sharrieff is either a great actor or he’s actually excited when the party starts. The other Housewives make questionable fashion choices to fit the theme, and Whitney makes it worse by half-rapping, in her heavy Utah accent, “this is your hip hop wife from the 1990s” and then instigating a dance battle. Overall, it’s appropriately messy fun, and Jen pats herself on the back for all of the good wife points she’s scoring.

That is, until the specter of Mary Cosby overturns the whole evening. Whitney, fueled by too much wine and Heather’s ill-advised support, decides that she simply must talk to Jen about the gossip swirling around the friend group. This kind of poor judgment is bad news for the Housewives and great news for us, which Whitney seems to realize after starting the conversation. Terrified of confrontation, she confusingly stalls until Heather bluntly tells the truth: Lisa and Meredith are (allegedly) afraid of Jen. This botched confession immediately turns into a botched argument. Jen yells that Mary is “fucking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” and is understandably upset that this drama is coming up in the middle of the party. Meredith and Lisa come over to see why Jen is screaming and, well, everyone blows up in 100 different directions. Meredith and Lisa are mad at Heather and Whitney, Jen is mad at everyone, and nobody seems to know what Mary’s end game is. And, because a whole season’s worth of gossip and secrets might as well come out now, Whitney tells Meredith that Jen has insinuated deeper problems in Meredith’s marriage. (Specifically, a man on the side.) Jen responds with an operatic temper tantrum—she throws her glass, storms out, and, most hilariously, punches a display of balloons. So, yeah, this is no longer Sharrieff’s special night. 

In all of the chaos, a lot is left unclear. Who are Heather and Whitney trying to defend (or take down), because at this point, they’ve pissed everyone off? Has Sharrieff’s patience officially run out? And, most importantly, is Mary actually telling the truth? (Either the receipts don’t exist or the producers are holding onto them tightly for maximum drama.) One thing is clear—a series that started at 11 in terms of balls-to-the-wall craziness still has a lot of insanity left to explore.

Random observation:

• This season’s timeline is now in February 2020. Apparently, all of the non-confessional scenes were filmed before pandemic shutdowns, but next season will definitely have to contend with COVID-19. The producers will need to get creative—dramatically hanging up on a Zoom call doesn’t hit the same.  
• Whitney’s friend Sara is back! She had an incredible cameo in the first episode, where she drunkenly sang “Happy Birthday” to Jen. (It was not Jen’s birthday.) Sara also suggests that talking to Jen directly will strengthen their relationship, which, LOL. 
• Speaking of the first episode, Heather describes that party as “Eyes Wide Shut freaky white people shit.” This is both hilarious and accurate. Maybe she should start writing these recaps. 
• More good confessional shade: Heather calls Mary a “high end hoarder.” 
• Another episode, another day of me feeling badly for Charlinda, Mary’s long, long, loooooong suffering housekeeper.
• Quick fashion review: Jen’s Beyonce-inspired party outfit is the right amount of extra. Mary’s all red and pink ensemble, including a shirt she bought in “Milano,” is the wrong amount. This cast owns an unreasonable number of Gucci belts.

Can we trust any man? That’s the burning question I’m left with after tonight’s episodes of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Viewers are already well-versed in Meredith’s tense separation from Seth and Heather’s divorce and Mary’s … situation. The ugly parts of the other Housewives’ marriage, though, haven’t been as obvious. This episode changes that, as we learn lots of concerning details about the other cast member’s marriages.

So, seriously, are any of the Housewives thriving at home? Maybe Whitney and Justin, who seem to be enjoying belly-button slurping debauchery and sex every weekday. Justin even gets supportive husband points for being a big fan at Whitney’s first fashion show. But even then, Whitney has alluded to some unnamed problems in their marriage—plus, that swingers allegation is still in the air, mostly unaddressed. Are these women okay? Do we need to stage an intervention? I’m concerned!

What I’m less concerned about is this show’s ability to be stupidly entertaining. This episode, there are no explosive fights, no off-the-rails parties and less screen time for Mary, which means less bonkers one liners. Yet, tonight’s episode is still plenty of fun to watch, especially because at this point of the season, we’re all familiar enough with the cast that the (comparatively) quiet moments register.

We jump right back to where the last episode ended, at the first ever Park City Fashion Week. The women are taking this fashion show pretty seriously for an event that I am confident most Utahans have never even heard of. Mostly, this portion is an excuse for each Housewife to show off their favorite fashion, whether they’re on the runway or not. (Mary, who calls Salt Lake shopping “the pits,” is especially excited.) Whitney is pleased with her runway debut, and Meredith gets to not-so-subtly show off pieces from her jewelry collection. Pretty much everyone is in a good mood except for Brooks. Seth isn’t there in person to see the show, and their video call quickly devolves when the only compliment Seth can muster is “you guys look interesting.” It’s hard to imagine Brooks will be much happier after watching the episode—Jen, correctly, notes how one-note Brooks’ fashion line is. One track suit does not a collection make! (However, Jen does actually wear the track suit, which is confirmed with photographic evidence. Supportive but shady: it’s the Shah way.)

Soon after the show, Whitney stops by Beauty Lab for a facial. We get plenty of small moments that illustrate Utah’s bizarre beauty industry, and then we are blessed with the most strangely funny moments of the season. During the facial, Heather explains the origins of her business, while Whitney zones out in safety goggles. An inspired editing choice cuts between Whitney—face wrapped in a towel, living her fantasy—and two floating Heathers. Why not!

The afternoon takes a more serious turn when Heather asks Whitney for an update on her father, who is still in sober living. Both women criticize Mormon culture for what they consider to be judgemental attitudes about addiction. Heather compares this to her family’s feelings on divorce, and if that feels like a jarring transition, that’s because it is. Still, the divorce is on Heather’s mind constantly, and she feels both guilt for deviating from the “perfect Mormon family” and resentment that this standard exists in the first place. Both Whitney and Heather agree that the Church culture is particularly tough on women, and Heather debates whether she should be more open with her kids. Later in the episode, Heather does tearfully confess the pressure she feels to her daughters, who are all universally supportive. Heather has complained that Mormonism can feel all or nothing, and now we seem to have a more definitive answer on where she falls.

Now, we turn to the bad marriage portion of the episode. First up is the Shah household. Viewers learn more about Jen’s personal history when her fourth (!) assistant reminds her to take anxiety and depression medication. Apparently, after Jen’s dad died, she struggled emotionally, but Sharrief told her to not take medication and suggested that she “pray it away” instead. Soon, Jen’s irritability almost ended their marriage. Things finally turned around when Jen’s son encouraged her to treat her mental illnesses and start medication. Sharrief’s questionable attitudes about mental health are disappointing and surprising, especially because he was the obvious husband MVP just a few episodes ago. The couple seems to be on better terms now, but this odd hiccup, and Jen’s continued loneliness and isolation, is far from resolved.

More husband drama pops up in Draper as the Barlows get ready for FHE. (Okay, the show doesn’t use that term, but if you know you know.)  Lisa’s idea of a fun family night is long-term goal setting, because she’d rather talk about real money than play Monopoly. Really, there’s a lot to unpack from this whole night, from the term “hundies,” referring to A+ grades, to the kids’ individual goals— for Jack, it’s getting shredded and becoming a “ladyslayer” and for Henry ti’s meeting Post Malone and having triplets. Tensions rise when Lisa reveals that pretty much all of her goals are business-related. Just last week, I complained that the “workaholic” narrative was unfair to Lisa, but, um, I’m starting to eat my words. In a confessional, John estimates that 90% of their couple time is work-related. Later, when he tries to express concern with Lisa’s five-year plan to build a billion dollar company and become the female Warren Buffett, she is too busy answering work texts to listen. Lisa’s high expectations are getting more intense by the episode, and her vision of God-approved capitalist dominance is starting to make the Romney family look relaxed. 

None of this marriage turmoil compares, though, to the evening’s biggest plot twist. Seth and Meredith’s marriage issues have been a major plot point in a few episodes already, but some juicy new information suggests that there is much more to come. Over dinner at Toscano, Jen and Heather try to learn more details about Seth and Meredith’s separation. Meredith is tight-lipped about the details, and at this point, even viewers don’t know much about what specific issues the couple has. Jen is annoyed by Meredith’s coyness, and suggests in a confessional that there’s more to the story. Indeed, more to the story comes out later when Jen and Whitney practice pole dancing at Whitney’s house. Jen can’t resist bringing up Meredith and Seth again, and Whitney straight-up asks Jen what she knows. Jen demurs, apparently because she doesn’t want to directly reveal Meredith’s secrets….except for I guess the American viewing public can be trusted more than Whitney, because Jen gives it away in her confessional. Apparently, Jen and Meredith traveled to New York, where Jen met a man who called Meredith “the love of my life.” The episode ends before many more details are revealed, leaving us with many questions (Does Seth know? Did everyone find out before this episode aired?) that we will have to carry through Christmas.

Random Observations:

• Brooks slurps grapefruit juice through a metal straw because it’s “fat burning.” Park City culture at its finest.
• Is your face … supposed to be that red right after a facial? (I wouldn’t know.) Whitney’s skin looks beautiful soon after, but the immediate aftermath did not look fun.
• We get more shots of the 15 minute botox parking sign! You know, for when you’re in a rush to get to Swig before picking up McKinzleigh and Brekklyn from school.
• In a brief scene at 350 Main, Lisa says that Vida Tequila is kosher. Good to know!
• I should plan to dedicate at least one bullet point every episode for Heather’s alarming ideas about marriage. Tonight: “Everyone has a whore phase as soon as they separate from their spouse.” Also, she doesn’t understand why Meredith and Seth are separated if they aren’t seeing other people. 
• I didn’t talk about Whitney’s dad, who might leave sober living early. Two quick thoughts: Whitney is right that this seems like a bad idea. Also, more serious life discussions should happen at trampoline parks.
• “The stripper pole goes where I go” — Whitney Rose sharing a beautiful proverb that has been passed down for generations.

For more Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, click here.

2020 has officially become so terrible that I found an episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City weirdly … poignant? This week is centered around the 2020 Sundance Film Festival, and now, almost a year later, with a mostly virtual Festival on the horizon in 2021, the world of packed screenings and ill-advised house parties feels like an impossible dream. We were all so innocent back in January! 

Setting aside my impending emotional breakdown: yes, it’s Sundance week! It was obvious since the announcement of this series that the Housewives would spend some time soaking up the closest thing Utah gets to Hollywood glamour. And while the drama isn’t gone from this episode entirely, the general tone is more excited than bitter as the women prepare for Park City festivities. 

Since the first episode, Lisa has touted her Sundance cred. (“Some people call me the queen of Sundance. I just think I’m really good at what I do,” she says early in the episode. Later, she refers to herself as the queen of Sundance, so apparently “some people” includes herself.) Her high-octane ambition fuels the episode as she runs from event to event on practically no sleep. Her husband, John, seems decidedly less invested—in one telling confessional, he admits that Lisa is the real boss, says that he doesn’t care because Lisa is a great boss, and then suggests that Lisa prepped him for the interview. (Honestly, I respect the business savvy! Don’t let those Bravo producers control the narrative without a fight.) Still, he comes in clutch with a U-Haul full of furniture, and Lisa ends the episode quite pleased that everything is going so well. We also get a judgmental scene of Lisa skipping a FaceTime call from her kids. I found this narrative to be pretty gross. It’s her busiest work week of the year! Her kids will survive if they can’t video chat while eating Buffalo Wild Wings.

Meanwhile at the Marks household, Brooks is preparing for his clothing line to be featured at Park City’s first ever Fashion Week. (In a telling moment at the end of the episode, Brooks gushes, “I don’t know how I got this opportunity … I mean, I do. My mom, obviously.”) Every moment of Brooks involves some sort of near-breakdown. He’s surprised to learn that he’s walking the runway, and wishes he would have gone on a juice cleanse. Right as he’s supposed to leave for the show, he’s still in a face mask. Then, a leaking toilet, blaring smoke alarm and dog accident make him 45 minutes late to the show. All the while, he’s upset that Seth isn’t coming to see the show, while Meredith feels increasingly guilty that her marital problems are partly to blame.

This episode’s contractually mandated big party comes courtesy of Whitney, who is planning a big bash for her husband Justin’s 52nd birthday. We haven’t really seen much from this couple recently, and at the very least, it’s clear they aren’t lacking for excitement. The pregame isn’t even finished before Justin slurps a shot from Whitney’s belly button. Then, Whitney, Jen and Heather board the party bus to Deer Valley. I’ll trust the Housewives that this party was fun, but it all looks strangely stilted on camera, especially when Mary shows up. She declined the invitation to go on the party bus, and she spends the night awkwardly dancing on her own away from the other women. Of course, Mary and Jen quickly start fighting again. This spat isn’t the energy-sucking blowout of episodes past, though Mary does directly address Jen’s, um, blunt comments about Mary’s marriage. Jen conveniently says that she was too drunk to remember. The two are (sort of) able to keep their tempers in check, seemingly for Whitney’s sake, though it’s clear this rivalry isn’t over. 

Whitney’s raucous party spurs what is easily my favorite subplot of the night—Heather is, simply put, extremely horny and not afraid to say it. The two cousins debrief at Punch Bowl Social (R.I.P) where Heather offers her weekly Sunday school lesson on Mormon culture and politics. (Yes, Utah liquor laws never really moved past the Prohibition, as most locals are well aware of.) Whitney’s nontraditional, sex positive marriage inspires Heather to take stock of her own relationship history. She regrets “choosing faith over love”—in a brutal bit of editing, Heather talks about her loveless marriage as photos of her young family, husband included, are displayed. Now, post-divorce, Heather is in a serious dry spell. She feels rejected by Utah men who want her to fit into the typical Utah mold, and she is haunted by an alternate timeline of her 20s where she explored her sexuality and tried new things. Sure, Heather’s attitude is more than a little fatalistic—she declares that “the men in Utah are worth nothing”—but dating in Utah is rough for just about everyone, and Heather is feeling the pain. 

This comes to a head when Jen hosts a screening for a film by her cousin Tony Vainuku, filled with men who are a little drunk, ready to have some fun, and, most importantly, not from Utah. “This is a feeding frenzy for me,” Heather says. And, for all of their interpersonal squabbles, the Housewives are surprisingly good wingwomen! Jen primes a hot single guy to talk to Heather, Vanderpump Rules stars Lala Kent and Katie Maloney-Shwartz hype her up and Whitney offers the classic Mormon mom line: “Remember who you are. Return with honor.” Heather’s charmingly odd attempts to flirt include calling a projector a “mad ass printer,” but apparently it works, because the couple leaves the party together to everyone else’s obvious delight. Good for Heather! 

I am weirdly fixated on one very specific moment of the episode. It’s B-roll at the beginning of a scene at Shah Squad marketing. The camera zooms in on a notebook that reads, in a font that’s best described as “Target mom,” “just a girl boss building her empire.” Just to review: Jen’s son has a sign in his bedroom that defines the word “hustle.” Mary gave out notebooks that say “boss lady” at a Met Gala-themed (?!) luncheon. And now we have this? These women wake up every day and choose violence. 

This raises the most important question of the episode: which Housewife is the best “boss lady?” Lisa, to her credit, is effusively upbeat to the staff members at her many Sundance events. But Lisa, who says the Church of Jesus Christ teaches the “constant pursuit of being your best self,” has a relentless positivity that could be exhausting. We haven’t seen Meredith interact with her staff, but she does teach Brooks that timeliness is important, so she seems to be at least professional. Jen tries to be a fun boss—she rollerskates through the halls of her office in sunglasses and a tiara—and teases her first assistant Stuart for his drunken antics at an earlier Sundance party. (He apparently called himself “Stu Chainz,” which I consider a microaggression of some kind.) But her insistence on treating staff as family could be a boundary-setting nightmare. How often does Stuart literally fan Jen? Do the rotating cast of makeup artists and nail technicians ever tire of supporting Jen through petty drama? Do any of these people have their own families that probably want them to clock out at 5 p.m.? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Mary’s housekeeper Charlinda is literally family, because apparently Charlinda is Mary’s grandmother’s brother’s daughter. But Mary’s definition of family is … well, I’ll just let her explain it: “We’re not close at all. Like, I don’t know her life and what she does outside of what she helps me with. But at the end of the day we’re family.” This checks out—Mary exuded strong Karen energy when she berated the staff prepping her Met Gala luncheon. And yet Charlinda keeps beat-boxing on, seemingly bulletproof. She is the episode’s most inspiring person and the show’s moral center. I hope Mary offers her a spare Chanel purse this Christmas. 

Random observations:

• Meredith calls Park City the cultural center of Utah, which is definitely up for debate!
• Another perfect Heather line: “I am always looking for sex but I am not looking for love. … That sounded horribly vulgar. Can you delete?” Thankfully, no one deleted.
• Jen “kept it modest” with her one-piece swimsuit—and a fur coat and matching boots of course.

For more Real Housewives of SLC, click here.

Welcome to another weekday night jam-packed with tacky decorations, discussions of school dance chastity and unchecked hormonal meltdowns. No, it’s not a Mutual activity gone wrong—it’s just another episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City! (Hey, you could be watching that horrifying Grinch musical instead.) 

Tonight’s episode picks up right where we left off last week: with a good old-fashioned brawl. Mary is throwing a luncheon at Valter’s Osteria to heal old wounds, but Jen is already upsetting Mary.

Jen considers herself a raw truth-teller, and she uses Mary’s vague invitation to open up to explain her rough edges: though she will “eff you up and down, sideways and backwards,” she is fiercely loyal to those in her inner circle. Meredith appreciates that Jen is showing her vulnerability, but, pointedly, Jen does not explicitly apologize to Mary. Mary, of course, notices, and the snide comments start flying.

In no time at all, Jen and Mary trade passive-aggression for straight-up aggression aggression. Everything from Mary’s GIF-ready facial reactions to Jen’s cursing becomes fodder for the argument, all while poor Valter just tries to serve pasta. Mary all but drags Jen out the door, and Jen fumes outside the restaurant. 

This luncheon, unsurprisingly, is mostly the Jen vs. Mary show, but the other Housewives play a role, too. Heather tries to calm both women down, and, perhaps with the help of some savvy Bravo producers, encourages Jen to come back inside for some more camera-ready fighting. Lisa, like a good Mormon peacemaker, hates the conflict. Meredith seems above it all. And Whitney is just confused about how the night fell apart so quickly, giving this unintentionally hilarious summary: “It started so amazing: I mean we had a red carpet, Beefeater guards, Beta fish, Louis Vuitton, 20-year-old wine. I got a journal and a nice pen with my name on it!” She then admits that she mostly came for the pasta, which is both relatable and a sign of solid priorities. 

The fight takes a nasty turn when Mary tells Jen not to “get ghetto” and calls her a hoodlum. Jen understandably does not appreciate these loaded terms, especially when she hoped for sisterhood with a fellow woman of color in Utah. Jen then brings up an explosive bit of history—apparently, Mary told her that she drives away from a 7/11 if she sees Black people. Mary….does not deny this! In her confessional, Mary says, “Convenience stores, hospitals, I just have a fear of them. My mind automatically goes violent when it comes to convenience stores,” which absolutely leaves me with more questions than answers. Mary’s comments are definitely disturbing, but honestly, it’s about the 20th deeply bizarre thing that’s happened at this luncheon. After both women try to engage in some Mariah Carey-style “I don’t know her” shenanigans, Jen leaves for good. So, yeah, Mary is about as good at facilitating group healing as she is at executing a Met Gala theme. 

Back at Heather’s house after the luncheon, we get more insight into her new, Mormon-ish lifestyle. Her teenage daughter Ashley has been dating the same boy for more than two years (gasp!) and Heather drops a bit of Mormon trivia that will surely be a head-scratcher to out-of-state viewers: horny, righteous teens aren’t supposed to go to a school dance with the same person twice in a row. (Okay, that’s not exactly doctrine, but it’s definitely a thing. Exploring the minutiae of Utah high school dance culture could easily fill an entire episode—I went on enough excruciating group dates in my youth to know!) Both Heather and her girls feel less-than at church after the divorce, which is disappointing and a bit surprising to me—divorce is not that uncommon in the religion, and many members are becoming more progressive on the issue.

After our time with single Heather, it’s time to check in with the forgotten cast members of the Real Housewives—the real husbands! Though most episodes so far have isolated the six main cast members and reveled in the drama, there is plenty of material to be mined from husbands, family members or, in Mary’s case, both at once! We start with Meredith and Seth, who has just flown in from Ohio. Previously, we learned that the couple is separated but still dating. Their reunion gets off to an awkward start when Seth half-jokingly asks if he should get in the front or back seat, and the couple’s “date” soon devolves into a disagreement about moving. Seth’s new job is based on Akron, but Meredith is not eager to uproot the family again. (Despite the intriguing possibility of The Real Housewives of Akron, I can’t blame her. Not even Seth’s copy of “99 Reasons to Love Akron” is convincing.) These two haven’t even finished the car ride home and they’ve already fallen into a resigned silence. It’s no surprise when later in the episode, they tearfully agree to stay separated. 

In a clever bit of editing, viewers get to compare and contrast the marriages of the episode’s two main characters: Jen and Mary, as both explain their sides of the Met Gala from Hell. (That’s what I call building! a! narrative!) The very circumstances of Mary’s marriage is always going to feel like a cautionary tale against heterosexuality, and I am not a fan of the CBS sitcom dynamics these two fall into so easily. (“He never compliments me,” Mary whines after fishing for one.) Still, Robert Sr. manages the very basic task of listening to Mary and offering supportive statements, which counts as a win for this couple. Still, he can’t hold a candle to Jen’s husband Sharrieff, who manages to simultaneoulsy calm Jen down, offer her unconditional support and share a nuanced take on internal racism—all via FaceTime. Maybe it’s the coaching experience that makes him so good at this, but whatever it is, I’m going to need Sharrieff to call me whenever things go wrong in my life. 

Though Whitney has her own juicy marriage origin story—and she is suspiciously defensive about rumors that she is a swinger—the series has mostly focused on her father Steve, who is trying to recover from a prescription drug addiction. In this episode, we meet her older brother Will. The two have a “special relationship,” which apparently means they train together at Unified Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. (After a combat montage, Will tells Whitney, “I’ve wrestled a lot of people and you’ve got the talent to do this.” Thanks, big bro!) We also learn that Steve has agreed to move into sober living and that Whitney has been supporting her dad both financially and emotionally through his years of addiction.

Finally, Lisa does her duty as a good Utah mom and supervises too many hyperactive children for her son Henry’s bowling alley birthday party. While the kids stress out minimum wage employees, Lisa and John find time to gossip about Meredith and Seth. Lisa believes that their conflict is an inevitable side effect of their midlife crises, and explains, with a touch of self-righteousness, that her attitude toward marriage is more “eternal companion” than ‘til death do us part. Lisa feels that her faith makes the marriage stronger, which is probably true, though her Mormon Message: Housewives Edition does start to backfire when she admits to throwing John’s Rolex from a car window during one particularly bad fight. (Don’t worry, they found it in a snowbank.) It’s not an entirely encouraging portrayal of their relationship.

In a moment of rare equilibrium, the episode ends as it began: with Mary making batshit statements over cocktails. She is with Heather at dinner because Heather believes she can prove her loyalty to both Jen and Mary. (Good luck, girl!) Mary randomly declares that carbonation hurts your ovaries, which should really put a damper on Lisa’s next Swig run. More importantly, Mary has no plans to make nice with Jen. She believes that Jen treats her differently because of her race. (“Like, it’s a Black thing?” Heather helpfully interjects.) Whether it’s a “Black thing” or not, Mary is tired of feeling judged about her marriage. The conversation takes a dark turn when Mary emotionally explains that she struggled to follow through on her grandmother’s wishes and it took her a long time to get over her initial discomfort. Heather tries to empathize, saying, “I think everyone understands choosing faith over love… The big difference is I never had to call Billy grandpa or even daddy, for that matter.” On that thought-provoking note, we say goodbye to yet another unbelievable week of Real Housewives and look forward to next week’s episode, where Sundance parties will certainly bring out everyone’s best behavior. 

Random observations:

I am still unpacking one of the wildest lines from last week’s episode, which I will reprint in full so that we can reflect on it as a nation: “You guys are drinking Dom Perignon 2003. In 2003 was the heatwave. 5,600 people died and it made the best grapes of all time.”

“Yes, Mary said that Jen smells like hospital. Jen called Mary a grandpa fucker. At this point, the score is settled.” Great point, Heather! No notes. 

“The problem is, she brought that brain and that mouth with her.” Never change, Mary.

It’s difficult to overemphasize how funny it is to watch Valter and his staff silently absorb this insane luncheon. At one point Mary said she doesn’t want to fight around Valter, who is apparently “very upset,” Lisa croaks out an apology to Valter and Jen claims she is also friends with Valter and Arturo. They stay completely stone-faced this entire time. Leave these men alone!

Jen’s office prominently displays an ornate tiara, because of course it does. 

In honor of the most husband-centric episode yet, here is my non-scientific ranking of the husbands in order of how much they want to be on TV:

1. Seth
2. Robert Sr.
3. Sharrieff
4. John
5. Justin

For more Real Housewives of SLC coverage, click here.

It’s Wednesday night, which means it’s time to hear the not-quite-MoTab music cues, pour a glass of wine (or, in Lisa’s case, diet soda on the rocks) and tune in to more misadventures of Utah’s most infamous sextet. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is back. 

The episode begins right where the third left off, as the Housewives are gathered for Witney’s 1920s party at Prohibition. Jen has stormed into the event, already drunk, and quickly asks to speak with Meredith alone. This can’t end well. Last week, Jen was upset when Meredith cancelled their plans for a “sleepover” and was doubly offended to learn that Meredith and Mary are spending time together. (Remember, those two have been feuding since Mary said Jen “smelled like hospital,” a phrase which has been living in my head rent free since the premier.) Jen confronts Meredith and things quickly fly off the rails—soon, Meredith leaves the conversation and Jen is in tears.

Jen’s loyalty tests quickly begin to feel a little tiresome—it’s never really clear why any of this is Meredith’s fault. Still, Jen seems truly hurt, so Lisa, who is only buzzed on Diet Coke, goes to comfort her. (Savvy marketing queen that she is, Lisa finds time to plug her tequila company—Vida Tequila, for those keeping track.) In her rage, Jen hurls the most memorable dig of the night: “You’re gonna go with Mary, who f**ked her grandfather?” In a rare moment of consensus, all of the other Housewives agree this comment is out of line, even though it’s, you know, technically true. Still, the meltdown is not a good look for Jen. She’s all but kicked out of the party, exiting with the grace and composure of a sophomore sorority girl leaving her fifth Halloween party of the night.

Most of the episode’s middle deals with the direct aftermath of the Prohibition party. Brooks, who is always here for some good gossip, asks about the night before. Meredith and Lisa take a fun detour to Park City’s Gallery MAR, where Lisa inexplicably tries to touch every single art piece. The visit takes a serious turn when Meredith tells Lisa that she is separated from her husband, Seth. Cue the mascara-ruining tears. We learn that Mary’s son Robert Jr. bought his girlfriend a chinchilla (sure!) and Mary announces her plan for a gathering with just the six Housewives. Then, Jen goes to Heather’s house to discuss the party again while Heather makes a green bean casserole (you can take the girl out of Mormonism, etc.) which somehow involves Pam and a baking sheet. Most notably, Jen accidentally-on-purpose spills the green beans about Meredith’s marriage problems, which Heather wasn’t supposed to know about. 

Honestly, after the no-holds-barred craziness of the first three episodes, all of these scenes feel a little perfunctory. The Jen vs. Meredith subplot is fairly boring—it doesn’t have the operatic absurdity of the hospital fight—and this episode doesn’t have the series’ trademark focus on religion or as many weird local details that only Utahans will understand. Tonight’s unexpected MVP is Heather. She had a tendency to fade into the background of earlier episodes, but now her self-deprecating humor is really starting to click. Just a few of her iconic moments tonight: she watches Jen and Meredith fight from afar waiting for her lollipop chicken drumstick, refers to herself as a “flapper with cankles,” and admits that Jen “scares the s**t” out of her. This was a good night for Heather!

The episode starts to pick up again during Mary’s party at Valter’s Osteria, a Salt Lake favorite (and Salt Lake magazine Dining Award winner). Audiences get to see Mary’s first attempt at party planning and, well, this truly unhinged celebration makes Meredith’s birthday look restrained. Here is a non-comprehensive list of what constitutes an intimate, Met Gala-themed luncheon to Mary: Beefeaters in what appear to be paper mâché hats, beta fish as table decor and notebooks that say “boss lady.” The whole affair is deeply strange, unintentionally campy and totally memorable—we would expect nothing less from Pastor Crosby. 

After Mary finishes a melodramatic prayer, the women go around the table and share their insecurities. Jen talks about her father, a poor Tongan immigrant who died recently, and explains that her tough exterior comes from a need to prove herself. This heartfelt admission is enough to move some of the women, and Meredith tries to bury the hatchet. Mary, however, is not buying it. Tensions are about to boil over, but then the episode ends with a “to be continued” disclaimer. This can’t end well.

Random observations:

• What is up with Meredith’s wig in some of the confessionals?
• Say what you will about Mary, but she has already mastered the art of reality TV facial reactions.
• Tonight’s most, ahem, memorable fashion moments include a Chanel fanny pack, bell-bottoms that are somehow supposed to fit a 1920s theme and a very confusing Mary ensemble that I’m not even sure how to explain.
• Mary claims that people in Utah don’t dress up? She must not be in town every April and October, when every restaurant is full of General Conference-goers. (Is that our own Met Gala?)

For more Real Housewives of SLC coverage, click here.

Follow the RHOSLC’s adventures around Utah with our tracking map.