(Editor's note: The following blog contains material unsuitable for audiences in Utah County.)
What is it about Utah that we consistently strive to make ourselves the go-to state for stand-up comedians and news of the weird?
Many had hoped that following the disappearance of adopted-favorite son Mitt Romney and the retirement of zany state Sen. Chris Buttars, we would be no longer be the butt of cheap gags about dogs on car roofs, goofy named kids and embarrassing gaffs about the gays' civilization-ending agenda: "I don’t want ‘em stuffing it down my throat all the time."
We dreamed of building a new image around high-tech, Olympic-class powder snow, Pac-12 football and, perhaps, just maybe, a little buzz of about an unexpectedly cool place to live.
Then, BOOM. Erectiongate explodes in sleepy Lehi, along with a scandal in suburbs over a school play based on works by two major subversives: Elvis and Shakespeare.
Xactware Solutions Inc. in Lehi asked the city council to change the name Morning Glory Road. The company argued that while morning glory is a pretty flower (Ipomoea acuminata)—it is also a slang term (in Dickensian England?) for a dude's erection upon awakening. "We never knew about the ulterior definitions until that came to light a little while ago," said an official.
The company feared the naughty connotation would overwhelm Xactware's brand in the minds of consumers who might see that the firm is located on Morning Glory Road. (Heh, heh.) Presumably, Beavis and Butthead are major customers of Xactware.
As any 8-year-old can tell you, virtually every phrase in English has a nasty double meaning. Fortunately, they avoided renaming the road as Tea Bag Boulevard or Horn Dog Highway or Choke the Chicken Drive and chose the presumably safe Morning Vista Road.
(How long will it be before dudes start rousing their bedmates with this line: “Hey, honey, wanna see a beautiful Morning Vista?”
The Elvispeare Scandal
Students at Herriman High School were rehearsing "All Shook Up" a play based on the music of Elvis Presley and Bill Shakespeare's shocking play "Twelfth Night." Bill's comedy includes a gag where a young woman dresses as a boy. Hilarity was meant to ensue, but apparently one Herriman parent complained about cross dressing and also had issues with the sexual nature of Elvis' music.
A parent of a student who worked on the production, futilely defended the production: "They're singing Elvis songs. A girl dresses up as a boy and kisses a boy. ... It's not promoting homosexuality. It was supposed to be a farce."
School administrators announced a bowdlerized version of the musical, that would bore even Elizabethan audiences, will go on. Can't wait until the kids tackle "Hamlet."