I guess if you grew up with Pioneer Day you've got some sentimental childhood memories to fulfill for yourself or re-create for your kids, but a parade and fireworks sound pretty redundant to me. Dressing up in heavy 19th-century clothes in 100-degree July heat, running a 10K, watching teenagers rope steers and engaging in pioneer-type activities like butterchurning and um, golf? don't appeal and I'm not even sure what "pioneer games" are. As I recall from Little House on the Whatever, Laura Ingalls and her sisters used to play ball with a puffed-up pig's bladder.

But, although I'm pretty confident about creek levels, I'm not positive about our mechanic and I've learned that the Lord, good as s/he may be, is not always willing when it comes to me.

So here's the back-up plan for the next 96:

Pancake breakfasts seem to be a big deal on Pioneer Day. In Logan, the 4th Annual Lions Club Pancake Breakfast starts at 7 a.m. That sounds like a totally UNholiday-like time to do anything, but it's only $4 a person. If I were going to eat pancakes, I'd go to Caffe Niche, where they pulverize their day-old cookies and use them in an outrageously indulgent pancake batter. Or I'd go to Grand America and eat ebelskivers-kind of a spherical pancake-with raspberry sauce. They're technically a dessert, so maybe I'd have to settle for the Nutella and banana crepes.

Most of the Pioneer Day celebrations involve "Pioneer Activities." It sort of scares me to think what those might be. One thing I know the pioneers did was walk. A lot. It would be a nice weekend to go up to Snowbasin on Saturday and hike around, then settle in for barbecue and a free concert Dealbreaker: no alcohol allowed.

Another option: hiking around Mill Creek Canyon and stopping at Log Haven for a Grilled Bison Burger with wild Boar Bacon. Sounds suitably frontier, and you can add a civilized touch by pairing it with a Uintah brew. You can even take your dog. IF you think that's a good idea. There's a pie-eating contest in Provo but if were going to indulge in pie, I'd snag one of those sky-high apple pies from Windy Ridge Bakery. The crust domes up a good six inches from the bottom of the pie pan, over a mountain of sugared apples.

Lehi's annual Foam Day presented by the Lehi Fire Department, involves lots of water, which sounds good, and free watermelon which sounds tastier. But the Tree Room at Sundance serves an appetizer called "Watermelon Three Ways" that involves crumbles of feta, aged balsamic vinegar, snipped herbs and cumin-lime vinaigrette-all flavors that accentuate the sweet wetness of the melon.

There are definitely options, without involving another parade. But I've still got my fingers crossed for seeing the Ess Ell Cee in my rearview.